How do I shop at Ikea?

A slightly sarcastic piece on the Ikea shopping experience. It first appeared on the Australian Reader website. The following year it was included in my collection micromacro
Seaview Press, South Australia, 2006
ISBN 978-174-008-415-4


First queue like sad-eyed cattle at an abattoir. Step inside.
Make yourself at home. Sit on the sofas.
Take a pencil. Read the price tag.

Why can’t someone help me?
To keep prices down we employ minimal staff.
This saves us money. This saves you money.

What if I don’t want to buy anything?
This saves you even more money.
But you will buy something.

Even just a vase or a packet of pegs.
To show your friends that you appreciate
fine design & scandinavian style.

Why are these signs everywhere
with questions on them?
It’s cheaper than employing a person.

Why am I talking to you?
Don’t ask me.
I’m only a sign.

I’ve just had 3 glasses of your bottomless coke.
Where can I take a piss?
You’ll have to go back downstairs near the checkouts.

Just follow the arrows on the floor.
Forget it. I’ll go later. That’s fine.
It’s OK to change your mind.

Why not sit down & relax for a
while over coffee at the
ikea restaurant?

There’s nothing here I want to buy..
That’s fine. Perhaps I’ll just sit here
on this poäng and write a poem.

You’ll find pencils and paper at
locations throughout the store.

Inspiration and ideas
are free.