Today I embarked upon a series of safety films for an international client. It struck me while writing the script and doing the VO that nothing of a similar nature had been done for the humble online re mixer. So I felt duty bound to offer some basic safety guidelines to protect the uninitiated.

Part 2, in this series will cover the dangers of recording live instruments directly to a PC interface whilst wearing tight fitting nylon underwear.


Here are the guidelines and safety instructions for creating a remix
Where possible choose a vocal within an acceptable frequency range and one that is not a potential hazard to any pets or small children when played out loud.

If you are wearing headphones remember to plug them in as otherwise no sound will be heard. Also remember that excessive wearing of headphones can cause bald spots and can potentially ruin an expensive hairdo.

When choosing the tempo for a remix try to match it to the tempo of the vocal. This can help achieve a healthy recommend total and prevents the listener from hysterical laughing which could cause serious stomach injuries.

Tempos above 200 BPM are considered lethal and can create heart attacks in older listeners.

When you are choosing sounds for your remix select suitable patches that are acceptable only to humans, to avoid attracting bats.

If you are adding your own vocals or are creating an uploadable acapella do not drink or chew while singing as this is a potential choking hazard and has the risk of making you sound like a country and western singer.

When designing your rhythm track keep to an acceptable form, avoiding sudden tempo changes or odd time measures that might create the listener to trip or fall, when dancing to a remix in their living rooms.

Beware of compression. Always use setting 8 never setting 3. If there is a need to use setting 5, call the fire brigade for assistance or post a lengthy unintelligible comment about it on a musical forum

Remember, reverb is a naturally occurring psychoacoustic phenomenon and simply adding more will only make your vocalist sound like a cheap Julio Iglesias. This should be avoided at all costs.

When you have completed your remix do not play it to close family or friends. This prevents them from potential attacks of embarrassment or possible vomiting. Instead upload it online where complete strangers can either do this in the privacy of their own homes or compliment you on the subtleties and skills of your turning a sample of a bursting paper bag into a 22 piece Premier drum kit.

These Instructions and warnings have been brought to you by Loveshadow, Courtesy of CC Mixter